rest=rust.

never has there been a more true statement. it seems to be so relevant in my life these days. rest equals rust. basically use it or lose it. lately i feel like i've completely lost it. it's funny how you can go from running 14 miles no problem to struggling through 4 or 5. life has been a rollercoaster lately. and in my particular situation, a rusty rollercoaster that's stuck at the bottom of one of the harshest plummets or possibly even stuck at the top of an upside down loop. being stuck upside down can't be fun and in fact sounds quite nauseating. that's how i feel. both physically and mentally. i need to find the wd40 soon. because emotionally, i am drained. physically, i am unmotivated and it's starting to show in my thighs. mentally, i am so bamboozled i don't even know where to begin. i get distracted by every single problem that in my head i jump from one problem to the next and then back around to the first problem i started worrying about....

whoever said the twenties were the time of your life and to live it up lied. well, i guess that's not actually true. i'm having some times of my life. but why can't i live it up whilst being financially secure and feelings mentally and physically stable? i guess i can... i just can't. ugh.  indecisiveness will be the death of me.

MOTIVATION. GET AT ME. pleeeeeeeease. before i become a rusty useless pile of car scrap that nobody wants to look at and gets stuck on the side of a mobile home to eventually turn to red oklahoma dirt. not that that would be a bad thing... because who doesn't love them some oklahoma red dirt? just kidding. it would be bad. very bad.

happy trails to you.

I've been thinking a lot lately. and by that i mean A LOT. too much in fact. overthinking really. i've been so nervous and scared and in my head about this year we call 2012. it's a big year of change for me.

new city.
new state.
new hair color.
new job opportunity.
new dance studio.
new friends.
new apartment.
new climate.
new eating habits.

a whooooole lot of NEW. now, this can be a very very good thing. change is exciting! for some reason though, i have been letting myself worry sick about it all. with that being said, it's not only questioning where i am and what i am doing now. i have for some reason decided to pull out past memories and let them play a part in my thinking. i am basing things on PAST experience instead of living in the now and seeing where this road will lead me. i have gone down many a beaten path, dark alleys, and adventurous backroads. i am well-traveled, to say the least. i have been there done that, and hopefully learned a thing or 2 from each adventure. it's one thing to have the experience and learn and move on from there. keep on keeping on. happy trails to you, until we meet again, yadda yadda yadda... it's entirely un-useful if you dwell in the negatives of those experiences and worry for the same outcome in future endeavors. you know what you did not like about those unfortunate environments, so why on earth would you return and do the same? you wouldnt. unless youre insane. the definiton of insanity is doing the same thing time and time again and expecting a different result. so why i am getting into my head and letting it freak me out into thinking i am going to fail like i have in the past? i know what those roads look like. i know exactly and at the first sign of the wrong red light, i'd take a quick U-turn and be on my way. happy trails. i need to remember that. and not worry. that is all.

irony of the draft.

that last blog i just posted was found in my drafts. i realized i hadn't been on this in quite some time, and going through the history of my posts, stumbled upon that draft. it was written in january 2011 by yours truly. ironically enough, i felt like i stepped outside of my own body and was introduced to the girl i was back in january. so much has happened since then. and i find it very interesting the way things come around and work themselves out. it is no question, in my life, EVERY single time i say i am over men and done dealing with their bullshit, i inevitably meet one and fall for him shortly after. this time was slightly different because it was not shortly after that i fell. in fact, it took quite some time for me to truly fall. interesting how that works... the second you completely set yourself free of the burden of the constant pursuit of happiness, it seeks you out. when your search is over, the search finds you. if that makes sense... ladies and gentleman i am proud to say that i held true to one distinct statement i made in my last post. i am done with boys. that is a fact. i found myself a man. :) and i am one happy girl. or i suppose i should say lady. i don't prefer the term woman, and i feel as though i am finally free of my silly girlish childish behaviors. letting go of control and putting life in God's hands truly is the way to go.
happiness finds you when it's supposed to. and when you can handle it maturely.

on another note about that past blog... those resolutions... great as they are, i did not accomplish one single one on the list. so with that said, it's about that time of year again... i need to work on new resolutions. i already know the first one on the list.

New Years Resolutions for 2012

1. make resolutions that i know i can keep. and do just that.


now thats a good start to a list of resolutions. i plan on keeping it. fantastic idea.

2011 life.

this year has started out.... well, it started. whether i like it or not. now, dont get me wrong, im ready for a new year. 2010 was... well a year. it was so high up, then so far down, then so high up again, then back down for a bit, then it was on a trampoline for a few months where it was literally up and down so much and so quickly you couldnt tell which it was at at which moment... then it leveled out quite a bit in a happy yet uncomfortable medium high... now that 2010 is over, i feel it went out with a bang and left me at quite a mediocre, unmotivated blah zone of which i am quite determined to work my way out of as quickly as i possibly can. my 2011 journey begins officially tomorrow with a move to a new city with new adventures and new goals and surroundings.

as i said so many times last year, this year is once again going to be about me. i am so over the male species at the moment. i am so sick of letting my happiness depend on whether or not they are happy or not. i am so sick of my mood going to far up when they text/call to so far down when they are being assholes... i am done letting me be affected by some stupid boy. because afterall that is all they are. boys. not men. boys. childish, immature, selfish, indecent, self-obsessed, self-empowered pigs. yep. bitter much right? i know. i am. and rightfully so. i am done dealing with them and done bringing myself down to their level so to feel accomplished. i dont need them to feel that. i AM accomplished in so many areas and all on my own.

i am a radio city rockette.

i ran a half marathon.

i ran a full marathon.

i pay my own bills.

i have my own apartment.

i am independent and self motivated.

i have already accomplished numbers 1 & 2 on my lifelong bucket list.

i do not need anyone right now. i really dont. and in fact, i need this time to myself. time to not have to answer to anyone. time to not have to worry about a significant other and whether or not they are happy or not. i am going to take this single time and revel in it. i will not afterall be single forever, but hey, i'm 21, if ever you are going to fully enjoy being alone (not lonely) is this not the age to do so? i think yes. i am single and not ready to mingle. i am single and happy. single and content. in fact, i dont much like the term single at all. it seems to me that the term "single" is always associated with a negative connotation. why that is, i'm not exactly sure... but since that is the case, i am not going to call myself single, or alone, or boyfriend-less, but rather unattached. uninhibited. un-obgligated. yes i did just make up a word. i have never thought of myself as that girl that just has to have a male in her life to feel complete and happy and i certainly dont want to find myslef waltzing into that now. i dont want any part of that "girl stereotype" at all. me. me. me. girl. girl. girl. yes. yes. yes. 3x gives the full emphasis i think.

you get the picture.

2011. i want you to know i'm ready for you. i'm stepping up to the plate and i am 100% prepared for whatever 99 mph curveballs you have to send my way. i am not looking for anything in particular. i am not out to find anyone in particular. i am simply along for the ride. along for this crazy road we call life. why get so wrapped up in someone elses ride that you miss the view along your own? that's what i feel i've been doing and it needs to stop right away.

my happiness will reflect moment to moment on what i feel is best fpr me and what i know is best for my well-being.

Resolutions for 2011

1. Run more marathons

2. Keep a clean apartment, even if there are no visitors to be had.

3. Eat cleanly and nutritiously.

4. Save $$$

5. DANCE.

all perfectly keepable. so hey. do it. now. no day but today. don't put off your best life. do it now.

kickin it cashville style.

back at it. it's the most wonderful time of the year! we have 2 days left here in MB at the waccamaw. then it's on to the real deal.

cashville.
music city, usa.
nashvegas.
nashty.

NASHVILLE HERE I COME!

i feel as though i am going to feel right at home. i love a little southern twang in a city. a little country never hurt anybody. kickin it at the grand ole opry. i am one happy girl. more to come.

move along?

i have too much i want to do. and absolutely nothing holding me back. what a feeling.

i want to move to austin.

i want to move to new orleans.

i want to take photography classes.

i want to take cooking classes.

i want to do hot yoga.

i want to road trip all over the country.

i want to own a bake shop.

i want to teach at xtend barre.

i want to be in moveis.

i want to be in commercials.

i want to explore & write about it.

i want to run marathons.

i have so much i want to do. and absolutely nothing stopping me. i think i want to move away from okc. i have nothing holding me there anymore. time to move on i think... yes. i think it is.

dont run. like.

the word love scares the bajeezus out of me i've realized... whenever i think something is turning into anything at all, i instantly get this gut reaction to run the opposite direction to avoid falling in said word that scares me. i need to stop this. it is not fair to me or anyone else in my life. it is not fair to make assumptions based on past experiences. especially when it's with a completely different scenario with completely different characters ad a completely different life. in high school, i used to get SO upset when my mom would tell me "im just going on past experience..." in my mind i always used to think, "that's not fair because i've grown up some, i learned from that, im smarter, older, wiser, better... i know what not to do." well funny thing is, i find i am more & more like my mom & dad each and every day. in both good and bad ways. if something like that used to tick me off so much, who am i to do just that exact thing to someone else? especially considering the "past experience" was with a completely different person in the first place!? how unfair is that. EXTREMELY. i need to stop that. i have a trust issue now. that is a fact. but that does not mean it cannot work to be fixed. no point in any sort of self sabbotage. im going to be better than that. bigger than that. i am not going to judge and be scared for no reason whatsoever. i am going to hope to the Lord above that this is indeed a different person and the same past experience will not reoccur... i know it won't. if nothing else, i can trust myself and my gut, right? im going to do that...

.................................................................................................................... im falling in like.

YIKES. dont run. dont panic. just breathe. and a smile never killed anyone. :)

good thing i can't wipe this one off my face.

plenty of fish in the sea

how cute is this commercial?

better

"dont wish it were easier. wish you were better."

yeah.

no one.