trust

we had a small group Bible study at one of the girl's rooms tonight. i feel like every time i go to church or do something where God is the central focus, it seems to speak directly to me. funny how that works. the "lesson" or i guess discussion was about having a vision for your life and what kind of "legacy" you want to leave.

i opened up about how i am a planner and all my life i had it set that i was going to go to ocu for 4 years, graduate, maybe do a few cruise ships, theme parks, and summerstock work and then eventually get myself to radio city and ultimately end up as a Rockette somewhere down the line. well obviously my 10 year plan got skipped through pretty quickly and i jumped right to the big bang finish line. obviously in my planning, list-making lifestyle, this threw me off a bit and this past year was a big "quarter life crisis" as i like to refer to it....

i'm slowly but surely figuring things out for myself and feel like i'm learning something new about myself every single day. the biggest lesson i have learned though is that it is so much more important to be happy and content with yourself and who you are and the life you are living and how you affect the people around you than what job you have or where you live or the things you own. you as a person are the most important thing. if you are happy and making some kind of difference in the world in the smallest or biggest of ways, that's all that matters. you just have to figure out what it is that gets you to that point of happiness. that is a big goal of mine for the next year. following my heart, following God's plan for me, going with the flow, not turning down things because i'm afraid it's not right for me but instead taking a risk and seeing where it leads me. i'm going to trust that if i feel i am in the right place at the right time at that point, than it's true. if i feel wrong about something that i'm doing or somewhere that i'm living, i will change something asap.

in my last post i wrote a list of goals. i'm adding one to that list.

find a church and go to it at LEAST once a month, but preferably every Sunday. i forget how much it helps me stay sane.

set and keep goals

i have a few new goals to aim for. in everyday happenings really.

1. i want to make an impression on people. a good one of course.

2. i want to be known as someone who's always positive and always smiling.

3. i want to avoid gossip and drama. such a waste of energy and life.

4. i want to be more understanding and less selfish.

5. i want to make people smile and make them feel good about themselves too :)

i had this realization today with a few different things that happened to me. the first was one of the girls in the line told me that i have such a great presence on stage and that it keeps them going. then another girl chimed in and said that her parents picked me out in the line and also said i have a "really great presence on stage" and she also agreed that I make her smile and keep her going. that really made me smile. i dont want to lose that. i want to impact people like that over and over again. even if im having a crumby day or in this case a crumby show, i want to be a positive presence and influence on people in my life.

the 2nd thing that happened, when we walk out into the lobby right before nativity, i always smile at the people standing around staring at us in awe. it makes me giggle knowing im a rockette and they think it's really cool to be that close to me. well today in the 3rd show of the day when everyones spirits are starting to die a bit, one of the ladies that works at the apparel booth in the lobby smiled, waved and said "one more to go!" i reacted with a smile, a wave back and a comment probably something along the lines of "thank goodness!" as i walked away i heard her say "i love that girl, she's always smiling at me and just seems so sweet" talking about me. who knew that a simple smile and hello would have such an impact on someone? as i sat in my spot in the audience i thought about that and how i want to be seen as "very sweet and always smiling" to everyone i meet. im going to work on that and try to really tune in on how i am acting towards people. i think thats really important. to have a happy impact on people.

i want to make people smile. not just on stage but also in every day life. :)

i also have some goals for the year ahead. im going to write them now while im thinking about them. im sure there will be more added later on. but this is what ive got right now...

1. run a half marathon.

2. POSSIBLY run a full marathon after that. (yikes! faceing my fears!

3. get my pilates certification.

4. go to a few auditions.

5. GO TO BALLET CLASS!

6. get a tattoo.

7. live independently and get my life in order. grow up basically.

8. live fearlessly. face my fears every day. do what i think i cannot do.

that last one really sums up all my goals. i want to live this year to the fullest. spontaneously. seize the day. wake up with a smile on my face not knowing what the day will being. and going to bed feeling like i accomplished something whether its going on a 8 mile hike or finishing 8 loads of laundry. i want to live every day with a purpose. :) "new for 09" as we say here in rocketteland, or i guess new for 2010 :) love it.

i have 3 more shows to do in my 11 show weekend tomorrow. so close to being done. come sunday at 9, i will feel on top of the world and like i can conquer anything. because indeed i can. but first, sleep. bed time, goodnight all. peace and love. xx

thankful in spite of the fact

im homesick. its thanksgiving. i miss my family. i miss my sister. i miss my parents. i miss my grandpa. i miss my grandmas. i miss my cousin. i miss my friends. i miss my aunts. i miss my uncles. i... miss my... boyfriend...

somewhere there's someone who will pick up the phone again after we just hung up to make sure im really ok. someone who knows im not really ok and thats why they called again. somewhere theres someone who will on a special occasion turn off the football game to talk to me when im feeling blue. somewhere theres someone who will share theyre thankful for me and wish so badly they could be with me and how much they miss me. not just by saying "ditto" but because they felt it deep down inside. somewhere theres someone who wants to share their life with me. and wants to know all about mine. every single dripping detail. somewhere theres someone whos as passionate about me as i am of them. somwhere theres someone who cant get me off their mind 99% of the time. somewhere theres someone who feels completely blessed and like the luckiest guy in the world to have ended up with someone like me. somewhere theres someone who can read me like a book. and knows everything about me because they pay attention because they love me that much. somewhere theres someone like that...

i keep thinking that that somewhere is buried deep down inside what i already have. somedays i wonder if i ask too much. and somedays i really think it's just not in there after all... today is one of those days. and on thanksgiving none the less... *sigh*

im thankful that im strong.

im thankful that im independent.

im thankful that im fearless.

im thankful that i have so much to offer.

im thankful that im smart.

im thankful that im talented.

im thankful that im driven.

im thaknful that im confident.

im thankful that im motivated.

im thankful that im compassionate.

im thankful that im a love with all my being kind of gal.

im thankful that i think big.

im thankful that i do not give up.

im thankful that i love to work.

im thankful that i love a challenge.

im thankful that i have a loving, supportive family.

im thankful that i can get by happily alone.

im thankful that i dont NEED you.

im thankful that i have you.

im thankful that i love you.

im thankful that i can survive without someone.

im thankful for a challenge...

i have 4 shows tomorrow. i have 4 shows saturday. i have 3 shows sunday. thats 11 shows in 3 days. thats ridiculous. in a totally awesome way. sunday night i will feel on top of the world and will feel as though i can conquer anything. and until then, i love my job :)

be ALL you can be. dance and live full out. never give up. love endlessly. stay strong.

be fearless. be confident. love you.

happy thanksgiving everyone

soul mates.

Sometimes I wonder if the idea of having a "soul mate" is actually real. I've never believed in that really, but at times you can't help but wonder if there really are people that are meant to be with each other. I mean, I believe of course God puts people in our lives for a reason... But I truly wonder sometimes, what I avoided a path that would have lead me to someone else or another group of people. I'm not talking about just boy/girl relationship stuff. I'm talking about friends and coworkers and anyone else you cross paths with or speak to throughout your days. Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn't met the people you are so close with? I truly believe that the friends I met at my one year in college changed my life. I miss them. I wonder if I'll find more people that I click with that easily... We're talking day one that I met my roommate in Oklahoma, we were attached at the hip and just understood each other. No awkward moments. No wondering what she really thought about me. Just an understanding that we were meant to be best friends. And so it was. And with my boy. Although we've been through ups and downs, still, day one that we met, we just sort of clicked. That sort of thing makes me wonder... Are there more people out there that I will just click with? What an exciting concept. I feel like I need to do more just so that I can meet these people out there somewhere. Until then I'm going to miss my Oklahoma buddies though.

"All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us." -The Wonder Years

stayin alive

First 4 show day today. Survived. How? I do not know. Seems so many people ask "How on earth do you guys manage 4 shows in one day?" I honestly wish I could tell you. I truly have no idea. There are so many points in the day when I think "there is noooo way i'm going to make it." I literally feel like I will die. But nope. I don't die. I'm still here. Still living. Still breathing. Still moving. Barely. 4 two hour shows in one day. 300 kicks times 4. Phew. At the beginning of today I never thought this point would come. But it has. And I am now sitting happily on my couch with David Letterman and a glass of milk and the last sugar cookie that my Mom brought to me from home. My legs alone feel like they weigh 100 pounds each right now. But I'm so happy. This job is such a blessing. We're going on our 9th day of work tomorrow without a day off and I'm STILL loving every minute of it. I cant even begin to express to you how happy I am in my life right now. I'm starting to feel like things are falling into place and I know where I'm going and what I'm doing and what I want to be doing and where I want to be going! I love it. That's all for now. Got to get sleep, because I still have 3 shows to do before 2 days off :)

keep the positive coming

We're in Tech rehearsals right now and we have our first audience tomorrow night! I'm so ready to perform for a crowd more than 10 people. I feel like I really need that extra energy that comes with an audience. Positive feedback like 4,000 people clapping and cheering really reminds me why I do what I do and why I love it so much.

I'm trying really hard to keep a happy outlook on all that's thrown at me this year. The best way to keep your spirits up is to keep a positive mindset about all that you do. I realized today in order to BE happy, you HAVE to smile. You have to give as much positive energy as you expect to receive. Every morning when you wake up, you are given an option. You can choose to be completely and utterly miserable and gloomy and live such a hum drum life with a frown on your face. OR you can choose to greet the day with a happy outlook knowing anything can happen and you are going to enjoy whatever it is that comes your way. You can take life and make it an adventure of fun, or you can worry and be sad or mad or grumpy or negative all the time. I know which option sounds more appealing to me. I'm trying my best to remember positive is always better than negative.

dance full out every time, do what you say you're gonna do and enjoy. seriously, enjoy your ride. If we only get one, you better make it good!

nowhere near perfect

I am not perfect. I am however a perfectionist. And get so down on myself when I do anything less than perfect. Which is so silly since obviously NOBODY is perfect. I have such a hard time remembering that sometimes though. Especially lately...

Try your hardest to focus on the positive things of each day. There is bound to be bad things that happen, and for some reason it's my first reaction to focus only on those things and completely forget about all of the wonderful things that happen. Funny how that works. You can make a million and one improvements and feel on top of the world, but then with just one big screw-up, you're back to square one, feeling like a complete failure. I need to learn to shake it off easier and move on. Now, that's not to say completely ignore that said "failure", but instead acknowledge it, learn from it, know it will NEVER happen again, fix it, and move on. Dwell on the things that you did wonderfully in the day. Think about how far you've come and where you are today and realize you are only human. You are not perfect, but you can certainly give your 100% effort every time. It might not be PERFECT, but at least it's your very best. Work hard, but also love yourself. Don't stop smiling no matter what happens. Just keep kicking. :)

back in rockette-land

I've decided to keep a blog again this year. It won't be near as detailed as my last one though. It's honestly more for me to get some thoughts out of my head and onto something else because my brain is packed full of a million and one other things right now. A million and one things that include numbers, strut kicks, depths, cold shoulders, color lines, freddys, cheeking, dotted lines, letters, toeing, elbows back, arching, open bevels, closed bevels, balling, reprises, flat elbows, heeling, neutral elbows, full releases, slapdowns, passe's, jump kicks, swipe arms, and jump splits... Just to name a few. Top it all off with some Christmas music and costume changes and that's just a little bit of what's on my mind. As our director says, it's my J-O-B. And I love it more than I can express :)