bittersweet

my second season as a radio city rockette is now complete. i really can't believe it. i STILL have to pinch myself that i'm really doing this with my life. that i'm actually living my lifelong dream. and not only that, but i've done it for 2 whole years now. when i am a mother and grandma someday, i will be able to say to my children, "i was a radio city rockette" along with the thousands of stories i am accumulating with this incredible, amazing experience. i am so blessed. i am truly one of the luckiest people in the world i think.

this year was a COMPLETELY different experience than last year in every way shape and form. i have made friends that have turned into my 2nd family. i have mastered another version of the radio city christmas spectacular. i have survived through another zillion and one shows. i survived an 11 show weekend and numerous 4 show days. i lived through a sprained wrist, flare of tendonitis in my left foot, and upper respiratory infection. i managed to avoid a concussion. i planked it out every day. i participated in a few ragdoll themes this year. i even talked on stage a couple times. (ok maybe only once, but still, that's a big deal for me!) i had some wonderful dressers in wardobe this year with some great stories. i kicked. i strutted. i beveled. i slappeddown. i heeled. i toed. i arched. i cheeked. i cold shouldered. i twisted. i layed back. i flat backed. i turtle doved. i counted down. i bowed. i kicked. i kicked. i kicked. and through it all, i'm still breathing. still living. still smiling.

i am a radio city rockette and can proudly say i have worked with some of the hardest working women in the world. we did it ladies.

Radio City Christmas Spectacular, i love you.

ATLAS 2009

coming to an end...

we have 2 shows left. just 2. a 2 show day. i can't believe it. i really can't. i know i've said it before but this season has just flown by. and although i've complained and whined and everything else, i really have loved every minute of it.

a new year is coming. i want soooo badly for this year to play out differently than last year. i want to do something with my life. i have GOT to make something happen. do something new and different. really live every day. i need to set my goals and make them happen. i'm really excited about this year and i am approaching it with determination a drive that i didn't give out last year. i'm going to be successful this year. i'm going to do what i want to do and enjoy my life. sounds like a pretty good plan right? i thought so too.

here i go. sleep. then just 2 more. wow. goodnight dallas.

thoughts on resolutions

im sure that i will write SEVERAL of these entries with various things written in them, but i'm going to start writing out my new year's resolutions here.

1. Keep a healthy body.

2. Run in a marathon.

3. Get a tattoo.

4. Take a vacation.

5. Get my own place.

6. Be a good friend.

7. Smile as much as possible.

8. Be kind to everyone.

I want my tattoo to say fearless. words that go along with it...

confident. sassy. spunky. bold. cocky. smart. cheeky. assured. brave. gutsy. valiant. daring. courageous. adventurous. spirited.

these words are how i want to live day to day. face each day fearlessly, open to anything. any new experiences that come my way, i want to jump head first and live to the fullest. i want to live every day fearlessly in the year 2010. jump on board :)

ah childhood memories.

this video makes me feel like christmas. i love it. it reminds me of my childhood.

decorating the christmas tree.

watching ice skating.

wearing my red foam antlers around the house.

wearing my red furry santa hat around the house.

making christmas cookies with mom, aunt charlotte, and sister.

opening a christmas present on christmas eve.

leaving cookies & milk for santa & not forgetting the cranberries & carrots for the reindeer.

picking out a christmas sweatshirt for my holiday dance performance.

digging to the bottom of my drawer for my favorite christmas socks.

wearing my christmas pajamas while watching the christmas TV specials.

the saturday night before christmas at my grandparents house.

eating cinnamon rolls.

making goodie plates for neighbors and dance teachers.

sending out christmas cards with a year update letter.

oh how i love christmas time. and oh how i miss the simplicity of youth. not a care in the world except for what you were going to ask Santa for for Christmas. funny how time flies isn't it? and when you're young, you can't WAIT to grow up. well, not that i'm old now, but i do miss the good old days. although i still find myself looking toward the future. i need to learn how to live in the moment and not worry about whats' to come. i know someday i will look back on right now and think "man i had it made." i need to enjoy it while it is here. i think i will add that to my list of new year's resolutions. i have so many, but hey a girl can dream right? i'm all for dreaming big. i think it's taking me quite far too. i believe i'll keep it up.

sicky

i'm sick. :( we only have 16 more shows left and i have to go and get sick. i hate it a lot. i'm called out of today's 2 shows because of it, but i'm hoping to get better for tomorrow because i CAN'T miss Christmas Eve! my remedies include all day bed rest, tomato soup and grilled cheese, airborne, orange juice, LOTS of water, cough drops, hot tea, 2 different prescription meds, and an antibiotic shot in the hip. oh & maybe a diet coke thrown in there. that's not really a remedy but it helps me out at least :) i will feel better tomorrow. i'm determined.

yes people, you heard me right, 16 SHOWS left! i can't believe it. i really can't believe it at all. this season has FLOWN by and i am so greatful for everything that's come with my job this year. the people, the experiences, the FUN. i truly do love my job.

so herei go again, the new year is upon us. and yet again i say, i'm getting an apartment and can't WAIT to decorate it. i've been thinking long and hard about color combinations for my decorating. i've got several ideas and am finding it hard to decide. i know that anything i do will have a photo wall incorporated.

decorating theme ideas

1. yellow, light blue, grays. happy tone. flowers.

2. purple, silvers/grays, deep mahogany browns. sexy, darker tone. silk fabrics.

3. blues, navies, neutrals, tans. happy, nautical theme. stripes.

i just don't know which direction i'm going. of course it will al depend on what i find and cost and all that. if you can't tell i can't wait to get started! i'm so pumped to be getting my own place. of course i would love to try and pull off a carrie bradshaw sex and the city movie apartment.

that is beautiful and happy and sexy and perfect and i love it. that's the kind of look i'd really like to go for. there will be lots of candles, lots of photos, lots of color, and lots of light. i can't wait :)

but for now, it's time to get healthy! drink your h2o people and get healthy cause Santa's coming in 2 days!!!! :)

go live.

do not disturb.

today was one of those days. %100. ugh.

disappointment has a name

how come the only way to know how high you get me is to see how far i fall?

God only knows how much i'd love you if you let me, but i can't break through it all...

i don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight, let's just fix this whole thing now

i swear to God we're gonna get it right if you lay your weapon down

red wine and ambien, you're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare.

good to know it's a game, disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare...

that's how i feel. i feel like i'm in a constant war. and it's a war that does not need to be happening. a war over nothing really. just extra heartache and tears that are completely unnecessary and unwanted. i think i need to get out. i don't think i want this anymore. i deserve so much more than this. i really do. but how do you give up such a distinict familiarity and remeber that you were miserable with it? how do you forget the good and remember that the bad outweighed it and there's a reason for a need to move on? i will be the first to admit that i am afraid.

afraid of change.

afraid of not knowing what's coming.

afraid of not knowing what's next.

afraid of losing something.

afraid of being the brokenhearted one.

afraid of not being able to move on as quickly.

afraid of ruining something that could be great.

afraid of the future.

afraid of losing him.

i'm terrified in fact. i know how difficult it will truly be and all the anger and pain that i have built up inside right now will easily and quickly be forgotten. but you know what, i'm starting to think it's time to suck it up and do what deep in my heart i know is the right thing. i know he's not the one for me. there are so many arrows pointing in the opposite direction. i know what i want. and i thought he was what i wanted once upon a time. and i'm slowly but surely realizing he's not the person that i thought he was. at all. and i don't have to put up with bullshit anymore. i really don't. as he so eloquently put this evening, i'm famous and i don't have to deal with it. that's exactly right. i am not giving myself enough credit and i am sick of being walked all over. i know that there is someone out there who will respect me and care about me the way that i want to be respected and cared for. i know what want. i know what i deserve. i need to grow some balls and go out there and get what i want. demand it. of myself. i know the kind of relationship i want to be in and i know the kind of man that i want to share my life with.

that is what i want my wedding day to feel like. i want my husband jumping for joy because he is married to me and is loving every second of it. i want someone to be as ecstatic over me as i am over them...

so now if i know all of this, why is it so hard for me to put my foot down and just say "i'm done."?

i need to be fearless. i need to put me first.

vera ellen=perfection

vera ellen is my idol and hero. wow. i just did some research and found out she was a Radio City Rockette! i want to be her someday. oh i wish. i want to grow up and dance like that. she is phenomanal. her legs. her feet. her energy. it's infectious. i could be that. that's my style. that's my calling. and she was a rockette. i want to follow in her footsteps.

things to do to be like vera ellen

1. take voice lessons

2. take acting lessons

3. get my booty to ballet class

4. get my booty to tap class

i want to be like vera ellen. again i say, wow.

living as a grown up

whew it has been a crazy week. i can finally relax a little bit, which is much needed. there's only 2 weeks left on this contract. i can't believe it. this radio city season just flew by. i guess it's really true, time flies when you're having fun. and i've certainly had a lot of fun this year. it's still been a lot of hard work, of course, i wouldn't doubt that. but it makes a world of difference when you're with people you enjoy working with. i really feel as though i've become family with these people and it's a wonderful feeling. in my evaluation of the season, the director asked me how i'm liking being on the road and i told her "i'm LOVING it!" i think i shocked her with my enthusiasm a bit. i got to dance on the great stage at radio city music hall, and of course i loved every second of that, but i really believe that the people in your life are what make life worth living and fun. it's so true. you can't be 100% happy unless you share your life with people you care about. i'm loving the people in my life right now. :) therefore, i'm happy.

with that said, that i'm done in 2 weeks, it's time to start planning my next move. to oklahoma city. i can't even begin to describe to you how excited i am to get my own place and do my own thing. it's going to be wonderful. i can't wait to decorate and make it all cozy and home like. today i was trying to do some online clothes shopping on urban outfitters and then i looked at the decorating section and realized i really should save the money on clothes and keep it for decorating :) so that's what i'm going to do! i'm planning on having one of those wall murals of framed photos and really good smelling candles everywhere and i'm going to buy a trendy new bedspread. as you can tell i can't even wait.

i really like this living room. i wish i could have those beautiful hardwood floors like that. i love that. i'm also reeeeally hoping i'll be allowed to paint the walls. although i'm not really counting on that. so my decorating will have to be based off of white walls most likely. that's ok though.

alright it's past my bedtime. 2 shows tomorrow then a weekend full of visitors! yay! have a good one :)

it's beginning to look a lot like....

we've made the big move to DALLAS! i'm so happy to be back in the midwest. even though it's about 3 hours away, i feel so much closer to home. like all my friends and family are just right around the corner. and being here makes me feel like it's really the christmas season. just the way the sky looks all grey and winter-like. and last night as we were driving to get groceries, i saw houses with christmas lights on them! i can't even begin to explain how happy this makes me. believe me, new york is beautiful at christmas time. and for that matter so is atlanta. i feel like any big city's christmas decorations are really something you must see. and i loved it and completely enjoyed it. but you must understand that i am a sucker for traditions and familiarity when it comes to the holidays. and my holidays were spent in the midwest growing up. even though it's really not, this is home. after doing a christmas show since october, i'm FINALLY starting to feel in the christmas spirit being here and i LOVE it. :)

i'm going to decorate my room here in dallas. already hung the mistletoe last night! i'm getting a christmas tree and christmas lights to put up too. i can't wait to have visitors to my room and friends and family come to watch the show. there's nothing like sharing experiences like this with the ones you love. i'm going to share with you some of the things i am looking forward to this holiday season here in the wonderful dallas, TX!

Christmas-y things that make me happy

1. drive around and look at christmas lights in neighborhoods

2. go christmas shopping at the mall

3. set out christmas candy in a festive bowl

4. put up a christmas tree in my hotel room

5. drink hot chocolate or eggnog and watch christmas movies

6. watch any christmas movies that come on TV

7. listen to christmas music while reading nov/dec Real Simple

8. light christmas-y scented candles

9. make and eat christmas cookies and candies

10. play board games and card games with the family

just a few of the things i can't WAIT to do! it's beginning to look a lot like christmas and i loooooove it. it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. you just can't help but be happy and smile all the time :)

me, me, me

i've already posted once today. but i have sooooo much on my mind. and i need to talk it out to someone. i learned another lesson today in doing things yourself and depending on nobody but you. i need some reliable people in my life. until then, i will continue doing things on my own. i need to learn that this is totally ok. very difficult at times, but totally ok. anyways, it's list making time.

what's on my mind

1. getting a single apartment in oklahoma city.

-the cost of rent for 6 months is about $4000. yikes.

- add the cost of gas, groceries, electric, cell phone bill, internet. yikes.

-getting furniture for said apartment. yikes.

2. getting a job/ form of income while living in okc

-applying for unemployment

-getting my pilates certification

-finding a dance studio to teach classes at

-auditions for lyric

3. decorating my apartment

-wall of framed art (vera ellen, black & white photos, radio city stuff, flowers)

-television/dvd player

-couch, chairs, table set, bed, bedside table, mirror

-bedspread, pillows, blanket throw

4. trying to figure out if i might be better off alone... hm.

-sometimes i'm more motivated/driven alone

-i find it easier to make decisions alone without outside factors

-one less thing to stress about...

oy... that last one is a doozy. and quite honestly there are soooo many more factors that go into, i don't even know where to begin... i have much thinking to do about that. why is the real world so difficult? nothing is easy or perfect by ay means. not that i want things to be perfect or easy, cause i know that would get boring, but i certainly wouldn't mind things falling into place a little bit better. but that is too much to ask i think.

one things is for sure. i need to focus on ME. i need to make decisions and do all my thinking based on what i want. i'm learning that at this point in my life, nothing is certain. i need to be selfish. i need to learn how to put myself and my feelings before others. and that is SO hard for me. but i need to learn. if i dont want to be hurt then i need to learn to defend myself and look out for myself. be my own best friend.

projects for 2010

1. decorate my apartment

2. marathon training

3. scrapbook

4. learn to knit

5. work on my blog

6. pilates certification

7. go to ballet classes

8. go to yoga classes

9. drink green tea.

10. eat healthy.

all things for me ^^^ i like that. i want to keep that.

oh and i have a new hero. i've always loved her, but watched white christmas the other night and realized yet again that vera allen is perfect. beautiful. i love her. i want to be like her when i grow up.

geez louise. her legs. i'm a rockette and i'm envious of HER legs. that's saying something. ha. pure perfection.

on to dallas

one city down, one to go. we closed in atlanta yesterday. we have a day off here and then tomorrow we fly to dallas to start the show all over again. it's like we're starting back at the beginning. or at least that's how it feels. we have a 4 hr rehearsal in a studio space tomorrow night after our plane lands. that'll be interesting. i'm a bit nervous for julie to be around again. but only a bit because i really feel we've come a long way since the last time she saw us. we'll see. i'm more nervous for the fact that we'll have mirrors and no costumes. that's going to feel very weird. i guess we'll see. i'm so ready to be performing in dallas though where there will actually be people i know in the audience and not just a couple thousand strangers. don't get me wrong that's awesome too, but it puts a little different feeling on a show when you know there's a friend or family member that will be watching you the WHOLE show. can't wait :)

good stuff. just a few poems with good meaning to them...

If

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

don't worry, be happy.

i like to think that i'm a generally happy person. however for some reason the past few days have been pretty blah for me. i really don't know why, i'm just feeling very gloomy and eeyore like. i have absolutely no reason to feel like this though. i really don't. well, except the possibility of the devil that is PMS. which is actually quite likely. although that is no excuse to be blue. i'm living a great life right now and am very happy where i am. i need to remember to be a tigger, not an eeyore. i need to remember to approach every day as a new day and greet it happily with a smile and optimism. you never know what the day can bring, yet you unconsciously decide what it will be like in the end really. whether you realize it or not, the attitude you have directly affects the kind of day you have and in turn the kind of life you live.

no matter what kind of day you think you might have, at least try to put a smile on. you won't regret it. sometimes i think i really trick myself into being happy. like sometimes so much is going on that there really is NO way i should be happy, but i put a smile on and somehow it turns my gloomy day into a lovely day! soooo :) do it.

im a list-maker

i like to make lists. i find that i do things better and more efficiently when i make checklists and check things off of it as i go. i think i need to make a few checklists.

before going to dallas

1. do all laundry

2. ship box full of clothes/heavy things home

3. get rid of as much food as possible (i hate wasting food)

4. get my first wax ( :/ this makes me nervous, but very happy at the same time :) )

5. get my hair diiiiiiid (REAL bad. i need to be blonde again)

6. OPENING NIGHT DRESS??? yikes. who knows if that'll happen.

7. figure out new years plans.

8. figure out where i'm living in feb.

the year 2010

1. move to oklahoma city

2. get gym membership

3. get my pilates certification

4. GO TO BALLET CLASS.

5. train for half marathon in dallas in april.

6. train for half marathon in oklahoma city in april (POSSIBLE full marathon!!???)

7. GO TO BALLET CLASS.

8. take dance classes at applause.

9. get a tattoo.

10. plan trip to nyc before middle of march.

11. GO TO BALLET CLASS.

12. plan trip to LA sometime.

13. file for unemployment.

14. go to church as much as possible.

15. GO TO BALLET CLASS.

16. take a dance class at OCU.

17. visit albuquerque/teach dance classes

18. did i mention i need to GO TO BALLET CLASS?? cause im dying without ballet in my life. i suck without it. and im skinnier and healthier with it.

i realized today that we only have 30 days left of this contract. meaning it's time to fihure out what i'm doing next year. i love this time of year. not. at. all. im a planner. i like knowing what's next. i'm working on that. i'm working on trusting. today however was one of those freak out days when i hate not knowing what to expect. all i know is that i need to be happy with MY life. i need to do what i want to do.

things that make/keep me happy

1. being skinny/healthy/in very good shape

2. being independent.

3. being confident.

4. looking hot :)

5. keeping my faith

6. staying busy/having projects.

things i need to remember and do everything i can to keep them alive ^^^

i need to keep those things in mind. yep. sure do.

one more list.... things i want to buy... hehe :) guilty pleasure.

1. leather mini skirt

2. hot earrings

3. dark brown boots

4. sexy neutral color pumps

5. mini skirts of all colors (particularly brown suede, maroon, navy blue, purple, mint green, and pink)

6. tanks to go with minis

its raining. i need to go to bed now. its late. hopefully the rain will hepl me sleep. goodnight world.