disappointment has a name

how come the only way to know how high you get me is to see how far i fall?

God only knows how much i'd love you if you let me, but i can't break through it all...

i don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight, let's just fix this whole thing now

i swear to God we're gonna get it right if you lay your weapon down

red wine and ambien, you're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare.

good to know it's a game, disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare...

that's how i feel. i feel like i'm in a constant war. and it's a war that does not need to be happening. a war over nothing really. just extra heartache and tears that are completely unnecessary and unwanted. i think i need to get out. i don't think i want this anymore. i deserve so much more than this. i really do. but how do you give up such a distinict familiarity and remeber that you were miserable with it? how do you forget the good and remember that the bad outweighed it and there's a reason for a need to move on? i will be the first to admit that i am afraid.

afraid of change.

afraid of not knowing what's coming.

afraid of not knowing what's next.

afraid of losing something.

afraid of being the brokenhearted one.

afraid of not being able to move on as quickly.

afraid of ruining something that could be great.

afraid of the future.

afraid of losing him.

i'm terrified in fact. i know how difficult it will truly be and all the anger and pain that i have built up inside right now will easily and quickly be forgotten. but you know what, i'm starting to think it's time to suck it up and do what deep in my heart i know is the right thing. i know he's not the one for me. there are so many arrows pointing in the opposite direction. i know what i want. and i thought he was what i wanted once upon a time. and i'm slowly but surely realizing he's not the person that i thought he was. at all. and i don't have to put up with bullshit anymore. i really don't. as he so eloquently put this evening, i'm famous and i don't have to deal with it. that's exactly right. i am not giving myself enough credit and i am sick of being walked all over. i know that there is someone out there who will respect me and care about me the way that i want to be respected and cared for. i know what want. i know what i deserve. i need to grow some balls and go out there and get what i want. demand it. of myself. i know the kind of relationship i want to be in and i know the kind of man that i want to share my life with.

that is what i want my wedding day to feel like. i want my husband jumping for joy because he is married to me and is loving every second of it. i want someone to be as ecstatic over me as i am over them...

so now if i know all of this, why is it so hard for me to put my foot down and just say "i'm done."?

i need to be fearless. i need to put me first.