whine less, breathe more

i especially need to focus on the whine less part of this. i really have complained about a lot lately. i need to chill out and just live. everything is going to work out how it's supposed to. enjoy the ride.

adorable.

i am STILL stuck inside. and STILL waiting on confirmation from my apartment that i actually CAN move in on wednesday. if this for some reason falls through, you can bet your life that all HELL will break loose in ME-land. i will not be a very happy camper. i will drive to oklahoma city and live in my car. at this point i do not care. i just need to get the heck out of here.

before. i. go. CRAZY.

bored out of my mind, but this will make you smile. i think i've watched it 80 times and it never gets old. absolutely adorable.

enjoy the ride

be me, whoever that is

i'm. still. stuck. inside. AWFUL.

i'm going a little crazy i have to admit. it's terrible. all of my friends are snowed in together having a grand old time and i am stuck doing absolutely nothing. :P i was very angry last night about the situation. i had a very "life's not fair" attitude and i'll admit i wanted nothing more than to throw a bit temper tantrum and scream like a 4 year old girl. i then took a step outside of myself, took a deep breath, realized i looked very ridiculous, stepped back in, and calmed down. my overthinking-overanalyzing brain started to do just that last night of course. i started having a freak out of questions like...

"what if i don't fit back in when i move back?

what if i'm out of place?

what if moving back was a bad idea?

what if everyone has inside jokes that i don't get?

what if they've all gotten super close and i'm left the awkward silent girl in the corner?

what if i dress too weird now?

what if i stand out and seem out of place?"

so i had that freak out moment... again, stepped back, looked at myself, and realized how retarded i am being. i then started to answer all of the questions i just asked myself...

-i'm not going to "fit back in" right away, because i have grown and matured in ways that they couldn't have being gone & all, but that doesn't mean they won't still love me.

-i will be different than the normal ocu girl, but not out of place. they know me for me, they love me for me.

-moving back was not a bad idea. but be prepared to make an adjustment. remember, YOU are the most important thing in your life. live it for you.

-they'll have inside jokes, yes. laugh it off, and make new ones. it's a new day, don't live for yesterday, create memories now.

-this one is RIDICULOUS. yes, they've gotten closer. but think about how close you got with everyone in that one concert night? it won't take long. and you will NOT be the awkward girl in the corner. don't be stupid. CONFIDENCE. don't forget about it. you've got it. work it.

-you will definitely dress "weird" but even if they give you a hard time, know they all think it's hot that you wear what you want and are confident about it. AND all the girls will be jealous anyways. ha. that was kind of rude of me. not jealous, but they'll appreciate it i guess i should say.

-you WILL stand out. enjoy it! live it up!! you won't be out of place, you'll just be the center of attention for a little while. just glisten, smile confidently, and love every second of the stand out moments :)

now how retarded was i being? very. i seriously need to remember who i am and what i've got going for me. remember that no matter what happens, i have ME and that's all that matters. i am in control of my own life and my own actions. i am in charge of my actions and reactions to everything. i can live my best life every day or i can be a mental case and worry constantly and be stupid. similar to last year. i do not want to go through that again, so i have to take control and not let that happen. easy as pie. :) live life, love life. laugh a lot. that whole "live, laugh, love" mantra is sooo very true.

a little confidence inspiration. read this, loved it. enjoy.

~~

what if you could buy self confidence in a jar. take twice a day, with a full glass of tea; do not take on an empty stomach. now this would not be self confidence in the form of mood elevating drugs or weight loss supplements. more of a jar, you could open up & it whispers beautiful things to you. confidence is such an alluring quality in creatures & really, everyone should feel confident. you're alive, that makes you beautiful. everyone is beautiful. slight things make you beautiful. that speck of gold on your otherwise green eyes, that freckle the shape of maine, the gap in your teeth, the fullness of your body. everyone is beautiful. if this is true, why is it so impossible to feel sometimes? we sink our skin into bathtubs of luke warm water searching for our flaws. the superficial reason he/she might not fall in love with you. we don't look within towards the passion in our blood- the things people will actually fall in love with. looks fade & anyone can fall in lust with a look. it's trite but true that in the long run that is not what you want in a mate. you want someone who intrigues you, makes you a better person, someone who compliments your very existence. if self confidence could be purchased in a jar it might say your heart beats like a rabbit & you glow when you smile. it might say the way your brain works is extraordinary, you notice things everyone else is too busy to see. it might just whisper you're breathing, you…are…alive.

ice ice baby

obsessed with sienna miller. especially in the movie alfie with jude law. who, speaking of, she is apparently back together with. makes me so very happy. they are so sexy. and need to be wed. and make babies. lots of babies. they would be beautiful. ha. however at the same time, a part of me likes the mystery of the 2 sexy singles. are they together? are they not? no one knows, but it doesn't matter because we can't take our eyes off of them. haha.

another new obsession. i can't get enough of passion pit, vampire weekend, and blackgold right now. check them out if you're not already totally into them like myself. you will fall in love. i promise.

i'm snowed into my parents home. lovely. or i suppose i should say ICED in, because it is definitely not pretty white snow. i'm going craaaaazzzzzzzy. and of course ALL of my friends are having a BLAST. i want to be there so bad. but instead, i sit here, bored, with nothing to do but pack. which i guess is a good thing. this weather BETTER be clear by monday. i will get a salt shaker and walk my ass to the city if i have to. bah ha. that is a lie. but you see my desperation, yes? new beginnins need to happen now.

aaaaaand i need to not eat ever again. HA. i've done nothing but eat like a fatty all day. and i've kiiiiind of loved it. but i will not tomorrow. lol. so no more. need to be hot hot HOT! haha. whatever. okie dokie. i obviously have NO point to this blog whatsoever. talk latersssss.

much love.

looking good

yep. :) watch and think of me. heh heh.

used all mine

"...do you miss him?"

"...everyday. but you know what's weird, i haven't cried very much at all. maybe you're only allowed a certain amount of tears per man and i've used mine up."

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

i watched sex and the city today while i was packing up and going through things in my room. i have yet to cry over my situation. that movie was written for me for right now i think. i've always felt my relationship resembles Carrie & Big's. Especially the non committal part. and then there's the whole "i slept with another woman" part. she forgives him in the end though... hmmm.... needless to say i did A LOT of thinking today. *sigh*

ready for bff time

i cannot wait to be reunited with my best friends.

i cannot wait to be with the people who make me laugh, & laugh, & laugh.

i cannot wait to spend countless hours talking about nothing.

i cannot wait for girl's nights & nights on the town.

i cannot wait for lazy days of nothing together.

i cannot wait for the inside jokes & more laughs.

i cannot wait for the memories that will be made.

i. cannot. wait.

i believe in me.

sooooooooo i need to get a little story off my chest. feel free to ignore this. it's really just personal.....

i was told last night that i am too skinny. and i was called "skinny mini" . i was lectured about past friends & girlfriends who dealt with anorexia and bulimia. i was told i am nothing but muscle and bones and if i lost any weight at all... well, i just can't. THEN i was told it's ok because i'll get "fat again" once i move back. Mind you, when i was there before i was given a hard time by this same person about eating too much. i was told to eat less. constantly. i was told "you don't need to eat that" so many times i can't even tell you how many. OK. does anyone else see a problem in this situation? i am HAPPY with my body right now. i am in the best shape i have EVER been in my entire life. i ran 6 miles straight today for the first time ever and then turned around and did kickboxing FULL OUT. i am skinny right now. i know this. i've worked hard for it. and i am going to continue working harder and harder every day to improve more and more. IF i get skinnier, it is because i am literally working my butt off and eating HEALTHY. NOT because i am anorexic or bulimic or doing anything unhealthy at all. i like the way my body is right now. i'm going to do everything i can to keep it DESPITE what anyone says to me about it. however if for some reason i do not keep this body and gain some weight, THAT should be ok too. i should not be given a hard time about it, right? it's my body. it's my life. last year, i went through a HARD time and gained ohhhh about 2o pounds. and i did not even care. but ya know what made me care? this stupid person. who for some reason knows how to make me feel about an inch tall no matter what i look like. that is not ok. and you know what? i'm not going to let it happen anymore. ever. again. my body is mine and mine alone. i should be able to be happy with it, no matter what it looks like. it's a little difficult to do that when you have someone constantly pointing out what's wrong with it. i'm too skinny, i'm a big girl, i need to eat more, i need to eat less. make up your f***ing mind already. it's not fair to me. keep it to yourself because i don't care. i am skinny right now and i am HAPPY. so you should be happy for me too, not giving me a hard time about it. therefore, keep your opinions about MY body to yourself. surprise of the century, you are not perfect either. so leave me alone and let me deal with it myself, k? k thanks.

now with THAT out of the way, i don't know if you caught that in there but today i ran 6 MILES without stopping to walk one single time. i ran it in 50 minutes. not too bad if i do say so myself. i am very proud of me for that. getting closer to my half marathon training FOR SURE. and you know what? after the 6, i certainly felt like i could have kept going. i was barely even winded! i just ran out of time. THEN i finished kick boxing with FLYING colors. and even after an hour of a kick-butt kickboxing, i felt like i could have hopped on the treadmill and run MORE. i am well on my way to running a half marathon :) 21 list is already making plenty of progress AND it's only january. LIKE. a lot.

i have never let ANYONE tell me i can't do something. and in the past few months, i've given into that a little bit. but you know what, it's stopping today. right now. no more. it only makes me work harder. the motivated, hard working, passionate, i-can-do-anything alli is BACK and ready for the TEN! (2010 that is)

RANDOM thought of the day- during kickboxing, towards the end of class when i was feeling on top of the world, i thought to myself "how cool would it be to be an action movie body double?" random i know. and most definitely fearless. hmm...... just a thought :)

believe in yourself. no matter what anyone ever tells you.

sunday funday

i believe that honesty is the best policy.

i believe that hard work, dedication, and passion will get you whatever you want.

i believe happiness is success.

i believe that trust is the most important thing in life.

i believe i can have whatever i want.

i believe i deserve the very best.

i believe a can of diet coke or a mug of tea can instantly fix any bad day.

i believe in loving deeply and getting the same in return.

i believe that knitting and crafting make time better.

i believe in the power of a good soundtrack and a glass of wine.

i believe that dancing is the best form of therapy.

i believe that sweating it out in a long run can release stress.

i believe that there is a country song for every emotion i am feeling.

i believe in honesty is more important than monogamy.

i believe in getting flowers for no reason at all.

i believe that the best things happen late at night and early in the morning.

i believe that time does not heal all wounds, but rather teaches us to live.

i believe the soft touch of strong hands has heeling powers.

words i currently like\\\ lovebird. delicious. fucklehead. fearless.

things i currently like///daisies. the color pink, bright pink. blueberry green tea. john mayer's who says video.

it was BEAUTIFUL outside today. made me want to ride my bike. or take a picnic to the lake with my girlfriends. or drive with the windows down and blast country music. or watch a baseball game & eat a hotdog. or put on a sundress and bright cardigan and my keds. but most of all it gave me spring fever! which in turn put me in a wonderful mood all day. spring is nearing (well, sort of...) and i CANNOT wait!

this is a happy sunday post. no real purpose to it. i move in a week :D

elegance

neat. enjoy. happy weekend everyone!

free as a bird

the lying cheating fucklehead tried to tell me how i should or should not spend my money tonight. it took everything in me not to blurt out, you don't seem to have a problem spending money on limos for slutty yellow teeth girls, now do you? but i did not say that. i said "i will spend my money however i damn well feel. and don't try to tell someone who has to budget her hard earned money with rent, gas money, groceries, cell phone bills, electric, student loans, union dues, to name a few expenses, how to spend her money when you survive off of daddy's credit card." ok, so i didn't say those EXACT harsh words, but that's what i was thinking and that's what i meant. SIIIIGH of relief. i had to share that and get it off my chest. another reason i am going crazy with him. literally everything that comes out of his mouth now makes me think of something with his cheating or lying and i can't even help it. he told me a story about how he's going to be working on this relay for life project with a girl (a past BEST girlfriend of mine) who he happened to treat me like shit because of this girl back in the day. she and i were best friends, he and i were a thing, he all the sudden decided he was over me and wanted my BEST friend. needless to say, that doesn't flow in my book, nor hers. there was ALOT more involved, but that's the story in a nutshell. anyways, point being, just the 2 of them will likely be spending a lot of time together alone. it's really pathetic when you can trust the girl you hardly EVER talk to anymore more than you can trust your own boyfriend. ugh. with each passing day i find i am more and more disgusted with him as my boyfriend. and the more and more i think about it, the more and more i realize he would make SUCH a better friend to me. as center stage so beautifully put, "as a boyfriend, he kinda sucks." that is the damn truth.

now that that's out and in the air, i feel much better. now a little about ME! :D

i spent the night and day being a complete girl and i loooooved every second of it.

i knitted some this morning

went for a nice 4 mile run+ 1.86 miles walking on incline while reading a girl magazine

went tanning

came home to a house to MYSELF! (this is my favorite thing ever. one of the main reasons i can't wait to have my own apartment)

downloaded "bedrock" (my ipods on repeat as of now)

blasted the music

took a long hot shower

got ready while dancing around in my pink panties and tube socks

tried on random outfits in my closet

went to target

bought a makeup organizer, makeup brushes, white strips, toothpaste

shopped for my precious red, yellow, &tiffany box blue kitchen :D

went to eat a delicious chicken & avocado salad at compadre's

overindulged in triple chocolate m&m's and hot tea (those m&ms are heaven. new. purple. beautiful. check them out. thy'd e soooo pretty in a candy dish i think.)

chatted on the phone to the butthead :P

texted my best girlfriends

organized my makeup in my new makeup organizer

tested lots of different makeups/experimented

listened to kei$ha, which is complete trash and i am addicted for some reason???

aaaaand talked to A dawg about our planned festivities of the semester to come!

what a wonderful ME day! i loved every second of it. i cannot wait to get into my apartment and do all of the above whenever i feel like it! aaaaand i cannot wait to be 21, so then i can REALLY do whatever i want whenever i want for ME! i got some GREAT stuff for my kitchen like i said, which of course made me even more excited. ps, i refuse to cal my kitchen color anything other than "tiffany box blue". it is not turquoise, or teal, it is tiffanys. and that's the way i want it. that's final. breakfast at tiffany's every morning if you will :) bah ha. **note to self-- another book for the reading list. WHICH speaking of, needs it's own post i believe, so i can keep track of the books i want to read. ANYWAYS, back to the point... my apartment, as i told my best friend tonight, is going to be a happy, happening, always exciting place. i want to be able to have people over and i want them to want to come back time and time again. that is my plan. and i will make it happen.

i also want to be a fashionista when i return to okc. i want to be that girl that comes back after awhile of being gone and everyone's like "wow! look at her! she looks great!" i want to be fearless with my fashion and wear what i feel is super sexy and feminine in my own way, not what is accepted. there's another plan of mine for ya. seems i have sooooo many resolutions and soooo much time to accomplish it all :) i really do love my life.

amazing how i can be so happy about myself and so sad and upset and pissed off at my significant other, isn't it? i'm thriving on this right now and i really love that. i love me time. i love being happy with myself. i love loving my life and not having to worry about anyone else. i love getting to do things for me and enjoying it. i love not having to feel like i should do something for that SOMEONE else.

it's lovely isn't it? living your own life?

now i will bust out in a melody of "a whole new world" i feel it is appropriate. only instead of with the lying "prince" aladdin aka abubu, i will sing it solo. the way it should have been sung in the first place. silly jasmine. you're better off ruling the kingdom on your own. who needs a peasant boy's help anyway? :) heh heh.

don't waste your time

another sleepless night last night. what is my problem. i think this is going to be much harder than i originally thought. but i can do it. i am strong. i am a lover, not a fighter, but i will certainly fight for something that means this much to me. i will make it through. there is nothing to fear at all. i need to be fearless.

therapy=dancing

soooooo glad to be back home and sleeping in my bed tonight. the packing for okc begins tomorrow as well as the "hotter than ever alli" training also commences. very exciting.

healthier eating habits

whiter teeth

longer gym hours

tanning salon visits

outfit plannings

drinking more tea

running more miles

and a physique 57 training sesh every day! very exciting indeed.

oh! and NO MORE SHOPPING! i have an addiction and it is verrrrry baaaaaaad. so no more.

im so glad that lovely awful time of the month is over. no more bloating. no more being pissy at everyone. no more feeling ugly every second of the day no matter how hard you try. no more super bitch alli. no more pizza face zittys. thank you Lord for giving me short, light "weeks of fun". if it went any longer i definitely think i would literally kill someone. or at least inflict great physical pain and sorrow. neither of which sound very appealing.

i forgot how much i love to dance. i really do love it. i love the endorphins it gives. i love the way you feel at the end of a really good dance class. and even a not so good dance class. i love the challenge that your body gives you in every single dance class you walk into. your body will find new ways to move every single second of the class and that feeling is so thrilling to me. i love the challenge. i love the way dancing makes my body look. it gives it such a form and feeling that i didn't even know i had in me. it literally brings out the best in me in every single way. it's my therapy. and it's the best form of therapy out there if you ask me. no wonder i was a nut job last year. i was not dancing. dancing is my one true love. i really want to focus on improving and getting better this year. i can't wait to get to class in oklahoma city. i am so much stronger now than the last time i was consistently in dance classes and i know i am going to surprise myself. dance is also the best form of expression. it lets me say the things i cannot get out of my mouth. like this.

beautiful. perfect. i love it. i want to dance like that. i can't wait.

it's raining outside. appropriate for the happenings of the past few days. i am fine. i am strong. i am independent. i don't need a man. i have all i need. i think the sky is crying for me since i cannot cry today. maybe it is crying to put me to sleep. hopefully i get some sleep tonight.

goodnight world.

loving life

MOVE IN DAY IS 2 WEEKS FROM TOMORROW!!!! :D :D :D

let the sunshine in

happy monday! i will admit, i do have an odd case of the mondays, but i am going into tomorrow with a more positive outlook :)

i think i am going to need an everyday to do list in my life once i get moved into my apartment. i realized today that i have a very hard time staying motivated to do things unless i absolutely HAVE to. i am going to try to do 3 things contributing to my 21 list every single day. i also need to start reading past posts of my own, because i also realized that i can be very inspiring to myself, but i always blurt out whatever is on my mind onto the keyboard and then post and never proof read. so therefore...

everyday TO DO list

1. eat fruit/smoothie for breakfast.

2. run at least 3 miles in the morning.

3. take a class (ie. yoga, pilates, ballet, something...) in the morning.

4. have quiet time & read a few verses.

5. let the sunshine in.

6. light a candle.

7. clean up around the house to bright, happy music. (dancing allowed :) )

8. read a chapter or 2 in a book.

9. knit a little bit.

10. watch regis & kelly/the today show as i get the day started.

11. drink tea/coffee.

12. work on a project (ie. decorating, scrapbooking, painting, wall art, etc.)

13. do physique 57

14. stretch.

once i get home, i will write this list out so that i don't forget about it :)

i've been searching through blogs and getting some wonderful ideas for my apartment! very excited about it, as always. inspiration starting with the happy picture above :)

my kitchen is going to be a very happy place i've decided. the theme colors are going to be red, white, yellow, and tiffany's box blue. very classic, happy, good morning sunshine feel to it. i want a tumbler/vase full of lemons with the words "pucker up" painted on. i want to paint the word "EAT" in red and put them on the wall or on a shelf. i want tiffany's blue glasswear or maybe just jars or vases. i love it all and cannot wait. and of course there will be fresh daisies, my favorite! the theme will have a "let the sunshine in" feel to it :)

love love love love love love love love love love love love love :)

treat myself

i looked at apartments yesterday, payed the deposit and signed some paperwork :D sooo exciting! i can't wait to start fresh and new. i've been planning out my days and looking at all sorts of class schedules in the oklahoma city area. i can't wait to be productive. oh! and i found out we're allowed to paint the walls! thinking of colors for a new project for me :) aaaand i found out i'm very close to a few friends apartments! also very exciting news to me. it's gonna be a fuuuuuun 7 months in apartment *** :D

big goal for 2010 me------

go to bed at the time of letterman, wake up and work out early and first thing in the morning. early to bed, early to rise... you know the rest.

i always feel more productive when i get up and start my day off on the right foot. very excited for the self discoveries in the months to come :)

i want to treat my body and myself the way it deserves to be treated.

with respect.

with care.

with kindness.

with healthy habits.

with encouragement.

with support.

with smiles.

with flossing.

with yoga.

with physique 57.

with adoration.

with smoothies in the morning.

with green tea.

with a good night's sleep.

with sunshine.

with positive thinking.

with good energy.

with relaxing moments.

with bubble baths.

with a good red wine.

with passion.

with projects.

with self-indulgence.

with confidence.

with books.

with dancing.

with LOVE.

i will treat myself to the love i deserve this year. i will become strong in all meanings of the word, physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. i will be the best me i can be.

im in albuquerque in a hotel room right now with sleeping parents so i'm going to keep it short. more on my trip later though. it's good t be back in the good ol' 505, i must say. so much love, support, and appreciation for me around here. that always makes ya feel real good deep down inside :) loving it.

goodnight from the land of enchantment xo

i have all i need

"pain nourishes courage. you can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."

-Mary Tyler Moore, 1937

past midnight

seems like it's always midnight,

sweeping up broken glass after every fight

with the sound of a train

that i could've been on

reminding me that the last one's gone.

with you,

it's always midnight

are you blind?

can't you see me standing here

waiting in line?

for you.

are you mine?

not just when you wanna be

all of the time?

are you?

are you blind?

don't you see me standing here

won't you tell me what it is

i'm waiting to find...?

you're right,

i must be crazy.

you're out getting high

i'm here pretending i'm in love.

the sound of your heart,

my head on your chest,

dropped your hands to your sides

and gave up.

i'd rather be crazy than right

tonight...

cant zzzzz

i cannot sleep. i cannot turn my brain off. i think of a new scenario each and every minute it seems.

i want to be in love. i want to loved equally in return. is that too much to ask?

what makes me so sad is really truly thinking i was in love... and then realizing it was completely one sided. i want someone who would give me the world on a string if they had the ability to do so. i am the kind of person that when i truly, deeply care about someone and love them so dearly, i will do anything and everything for that person. i am constantly wondering how they are doing and what i can do to put a smile on their face, even if just for a second. i want someone who feels that way about me too. i really think there is someone like that out there for me. i believe it with all my heart. i don't necessarily want to be in love right NOW, or feel that love from someone else right NOW, but i do want that for myself. *sigh*

i'm sad right now. why are things not always as they seem? why do people have to lie? WHY? it really is not fair at all. lying is the most awful thing in the world i think. i hate liers. i hate that it will be hard for me to trust him ever again. i hate that it will be hard for me to trust anyone ever again. i hate that i already had a hard time trusting peope before this came along... why did he have to do this to me? i am not trying to have a pity party right now, i really am not. i just don't understand how someone can be so selfish and ignorant to feelings. to someone's feelings who cares more about you than anything really. and it is so obvious how much i care, and how much i love, and how much he means to me... but it was so easy to lie to me. so easy. so easy to kiss another girl. i told him not to do anything that would hurt me. and here i am... hurting. pathetic really. i hate him so much right now. it's so hard for me to fake a smile. but i'm doing it... i have to for a while longer. i want him to see the pain he's put me through. i want him to see me cry. i have yet to cry over this still though. but i know that the second he is in the room with me i will not be able to contain it any longer. if he comes clean i will be AMAZED. i am going to give him the chance to tell me the truth. and if he does, i will be absolutely astounded. but ya know what sucks even more? is the fact that i know him well enough to know that he will not come clean. he will deny it. he will act as if he has done nothing wrong. and what sucks still more is knowing that if i did not have the proof that i have, he would continue to keep it from me, to lie to me. it makes me sick thinking about it.

no wonder i can't sleep. *sigh*

get your house in order

today i finally made a little head way on the never ending process of organizing my room, in other words, organizing my life. i am soooo very sore today from yesterday's ridiculous amounts of working out so i did not make it to the gym today unfortunately. i've learned that it's good to give your body a day off though. rest up a little bit. anyways, in my non working out, i got a lot done. i filed for unemployment. i did more laundry. i finally got the suitcases unpacked and out of my room. i went through my jewelry. i starting packing for the big move to oklahoma city. so all in all, fairly productive! i love productive days.

i am more productive when i'm by myself. single if you will. i am more motivated to get things done for some reason. i've also been doing a lot of thinking today (surprise.). the more i think about my "situation" the more i realize how much better off i will be. i'm going to be just fine, i know i will. i know it will be a very interesting couple of months, but i am not going to let it get me down by any means. i am going to work on me. work on realizing the things that make me happy, not that make someone else happy. i am going to focus on what is best for me and what i want to make of myself. i'm of course very hurt and sad about the situation, but at the same time, i know i found these things out for a reason. everything truly does happen for a reason. i know there is something good coming my way. i know that something good will come of ll of this. and i am going to jump into it with all that i am. i'm anxious to see what 2010 will bring me. positive, motivated me is back. love it.

that's the dang truth. i am both happy and sad right now. and i truly do not know how that is possible, but that's exactly how i feel.

i do love the rollercoaster that is life. what a ride.

21=drinking

things for my 21 list are looking good! last night i ran 5 miles in training for my half marathon. i am very proud of this considering it is only january and i have until april to train for it. 13 miles, piece of cake! i just have to continue on in the direction i am going now :)

ugh, i just ate a chocolate covered marshmallow in the shape of "santa" which was really more of just a blob of chocolate lumpiness. bad idea. my stomach is churning :P anywhooooo...

also for my 21 list, i bought 3 books today!

1. eat, pray, love by Elizabeth Gilbert (a NY times #1 best seller, must be great!)

2. the bounce back book by Karen Salmansohn (think im going to need this advice soon...)

3. men may come and go but i've still got my little pink raincoat by Gigi Anders (it was on the bargain books shelf for $4 and looked like a cute story)

the only question is which one do i read first?? very excited to jump on the book nerd bandwagon :)

i'm going to be 21 this year. today in the car for the first time ever my mom randomly, out of nowhere asks "have you ever been drunk?" ......................awkward. my family does not drink. alcohol is a touchy subject. it is the unmentionable subject rather. nobody talks about it, it's almost like it does not exist in our household land. i on the other hand, happen to looove a perfectly chilled glass of chardonnay, a bubbly glass of champagne, a brightly colored fruity girly mixed drink, a classic jack and coke, a frosty miller lite, a vodka soda, you name it, i like it. i am and always have been the secret rebel of the family. by secret, i don't actually mean secret... anything rebellious in high school i EVER did, i always got caught. somehow or another, my mom always found out and i usually ended up grounded or phone-less. nonetheless, i would continue with my rebellious ways. go figure. i have never liked the concept of being told what i can and cannot do. you tell me i can't do something, i'm going to go right out and do it. proving people wrong is something i thrive on for some reason. in other areas of life this can be a very good thing, however when it comes to parental authority, not so much. anyways back to my point, did my mom really ask if i've ever been "drunk"?? i of course responded with a very vague "umm.... i don't really know...." to which she replies "well have you ever been tipsy?" i have no choice at this point... in past occasions, i would usually try to be the perfect innocent angel and deny it yet again, however in my mind in my 5 second pause to answer, a thousand things ran through my head. first thing of course was my usual denial reaction.. then i thought, "i am going to be 21 years old in 2 months... isn't it time i start easing my mom into realizing that i do drink and that i actually quite enjoy it?" do to her question i responded "well yes." very straightforward. quick. painless. blunt. i have. i've been "tipsy". now, this could have gone very badly because of course i am not 21 YET. so technically that's quite illegal of me. oh my my. imagine that, underage drinking, nobody's ever done that. ha. funny thing is my parents probably did not... anyways, i live in a different age, i'm a different person, i've lived in different circumstances, therefore, i have. i figure though, can she really blame me? first of all, college. duh. my parents kept me so locked up, ball and chain OF COURSE i'm going to go a LITTLE crazy. i mean really. second of all, i was thrown into a world of 30 year old women with a job that practically REQUIRES a glass of wine to chill out at the end of the day. yes i drink. but i am responsible, don't get me wrong. and i don't like things getting out of control. in fact drinking in excess for no reason quite disgusts me. compared with a lot of people my age, i think my outlook on drinking is far beyond my years. drinking to get drunk is ridiculous in my eyes. drinking because it's a social thing, and you're out with friends, THAT is what i love. i'm not like most college age students though, i can turn a drink down if i just don't feel like it. in fact, a lot of the time, unless it's a special occasion, i will turn it down. it's unhealthy and does NOT always make me feel good. i know it's not good for my body, and with my job and career choice, my body is numero uno on the priority list. alrighty, i'm sick of talking about this now. point is, my mom found out today that i have indeed been "tipsy" in my lifetime.

although it's going to be hard at times, i am actually very excited for the months to come. i like a change. i crave a challenge. these next few months are certainly going to bring change and challenges. i'm ready and willing for this new adventure. going at it full force, head first.

FEARLESS.

one thing on my mind

i obviously can't think of anything other than my last post. but i'm going to try to do so in this post. lists about ME. the most important, trustworthy person in my life right now...

things i am very good at

- drinking diet coke and green tea

- pointing my feet

- sticking it out in hot yoga

- dancing in heels for 8 hrs and not complaining

- being a great friend

- doing special things for other people

- being up front and honest

- making smoothies

this is not easy. i'm trying so hard to keep my mind off of it and stay positive, but it is taking everything in me to not pick up the phone and call him right now. i will not though. i'm going to be the bigger person about it. i'm going to stay calm and collected. i'm going to be the mature one. i am going to handle it the best way i know how. i just have to wait a few weeks. *sigh*

funny how typing "i just have to wait a few weeks" is so quick and easy, but the actual concept of it happening... sheesh.

all i can do is try to keep my feelings hidden from not only everyone else, but myself as well. my anger. my sadness. my hurt. my frustration. my ache from all of this. i have to simply ignore it. simple right? ha. i wish. i'm just trying to forget it ever happened at all... again, easier said than done. ...............it hurts. :/

s(he) be(lie)v(ed)

i. can't. breathe.

my hands are shaking uncontrollably, but i can't even cry.

my worst fear... something i am so afraid of... something i have made excuse after excuse for in my mind... it's happened. i can't make any more excuses. i can't do this anymore. i wish i could say i never saw it coming. but that would be a lie. and why lie to myself when there's already plenty of lying to me going on. apparently that's the thing to do. lie to me. i cannot cry right now. i'm numb to it. it's like it hurts so deep, but all along in a small corner of my mind, i already knew it was coming. i expected it. how could i be so ignorant? in all honesty though, that's whats even worse about it. the fact that i wasn't ignorant. my gut feeling told me this was all happening. and i chose to be the "nice, trusting, care-free, understanding, cool girlfriend" that i thought i was supposed to be. i trusted him. i believed him. i feel so stupid right now. for someone who "doesn't show public affection" he certainly did just that... we don't even have photos like that of us together... i don't want this anymore... i never wanted this. ever. nobody ever wants this. nobody deserves this. i certainly don't....

i want to be with someone who can't stand to be away from me. especially on the holidays. and if we do have to be away from each other, he's faithful to me. and if for some reason he is not, he is still open and honest with me.

i don't want lies.

i don't want deceit.

i don't want cheating.

i don't want to cry.

i don't want to force it.

i don't want to question anything.

i don't want him.

that's it. i can't do it anymore. it has to end. i will never be able to fully trust him. ever. i already didn't trust him fully. it's not fair. but i know what i have to do. it's time to say goodbye to us. it's over. it has to be. i need to stand strong on my own 2 feet. and i don't deserve to cry over the one that's supposed to be my love, my support group.

i have to end it. but when? and how? :/ easier answers than actually doing that.

snow is lovely but...

i'm ready for summertime. sunshine. warm weather. tan skin and bleached hair. flip flops and sundresses. driving with the windows down. popsicles and barbecues. i'm ready for it. *sigh*

until then though, i will enjoy the loveliness of winter. snow softly falling from the sky. a cozy blanket by the fireplace. sipping hot tea. my yellow mittens. cute layering winter clothes. i do love all of those things. but i miss the sunshine most of all. the happiness it brings. oklahoma was colder than alaska this morning. that's a problem for me. i do not live in alaska. i live in oklahoma. i will stop complaining now.

i've had some thoughts on tattoos... doing some research last night and i've narrowed it down to 3 choices...

1. 'fearless" tattoo. this would be small and somewhere i will see it often as a reminder to live my life fearlessly. i really like the idea of it being a finger tattoo.

2. 'fly higher' possibly with a small bird/wings emblem next to it. meaning to do better. work harder. go farther. push yourself constantly. coming from the martha graham quote about our arms coming from our backs because they were once wings... i love the incorporation of dance in this. really liking this option, but cant really decide on location or design... wrist?

3. 'strength' symbol in chinese. it's got a great look to it. this would be on my left foot. i love everything that 'strength' stands for. physically, mentally, emotionally, it's so important to me to have strength.

those are my 3 choices. it's going to be really hard for me to decide which one i want to get... a lot of thinking will have to go into it. i'll update you with further details later on...

driving to oklahoma city tomorrow to look at my APARTMENT!!!! you have no idea how excited and happy this makes me. my very own apartment. i cannot wait. :D

goodnight world. i love life.

3.

i read something today in a magazine. it said you should live your life as if it's a novel and you're the main character. everyone and everything else is only secondary. i found this particularly interesting. if you were reading a book about

book life

i read something today in a magazine. it said you should live your life as if it's a novel and you're the main character. everyone and everything else is only secondary. i found this particularly interesting. say you're reading a book with a fabulous main character that has everything going for her an absolutely nothing tying her down or holding her back and then all of the sudden this lovely main character starts doing everything in her life based on what the people in her life want her to do or what they think is best. now obviously this main character can be just wonderful alone with the good head she has on her shoulders so why would she follow the secondary figures of the story that are much less interesting to read about? in other words, live your own life. the fabulous, exciting, adventurous, new and fresh every day life you're supposed to be living. would you want your book to be boring or disappointing? i certainly wouldn't. my 2010 life book is going to be written MUCH differently than my 2009 life book, i can promise you that.

speaking of books, i really need to get on my 21 books in 2010 journey. i need some good books to read. i really want to read eat, pray, love. i've heard it's fantastic. i also want to read one or several of kurt vonnegut's books. i really don't know much about them, but i'm quite curious. i also want to read the perks of being a wallflower again. it's been awhile and i know i love that book. too bad i gave my copy to an ex boyfriend :/ wah wah. need to pick up another copy. i think when i move to oklahoma city, i should get a library card. good idea yes? googling that. i need more book ideas though. real bad. if i'm going to get to 21, i want it to be 21 INCREDIBLE books. not 21 mediocre books.

happy new year :)

confidence

confidence is key. in every aspect of life. you really do have to be confident in everything you do. be confident, whether you're at the gym, talking to someone new, getting dressed, at a job, whatever it is, ooze confidence. people like confidence. make people like you. you're worht it. remember that.

the 21 list

although i have made several different new years resolution lists, this one is a little different. i am making a sort of bucket list if you will for the year 2010. the year i turn 21. which is a little ironic and kind of cool if you ask me. 2010. 21. the number situation. that is neato. therefor, my list will have 21 things on it. i obviously think i'm pretty clever. let me revel in it. ha.

My 21 bucket list

1. run a half marathon/marathon.

2. get a tattoo.

3. sing karaoke.

4. read 21 books.

5. knit a blanket.

6. stay out all night & watch the sun rise.

7. take a road trip.

8. get some visible abs.

9. go skinny dipping.

10. learn to drive a stick shift.

11. go camping.

12. ride in a hot air balloon.

13. ride a rollercoaster with at least 2 upside down loops.

14. take a class/learn something new.

15. learn to surf.

16. get something pierced.

17. eat strange seafood.

18. donate blood.

19. get a library card.

20. see a broadway show.

21. book a spontaneous trip alone.

i'll have to keep thinking about the rest. i'm really excited about this project. i'm such a list maker. i make a list. i do what's on the list. i check it off. i feel accomplished. i feel so good about this year. i know it will be better than last year and i'm so ready to get it started and make that happen. i can't wait to see what 2010 hold in store for me. i'm out of my "quarter life crisis" as i so lovingly declared it and am ready to move on and become stronger in every aspect of the word. i will keep thinking about this list of mine. :) very exciting.

ps the knitting is going fabulously. i'm currently working on a bright purple scarf. in fact im about to pop in alfie and knit some some. sounds wonderful.

new found obsession. fiction family. jon foreman of switchfoot's voice=perfection. in love.

new adventures

so true. i'm frustrated right now. with my living situation. it will all work out i know. i just have to do what i feel is best and what i want to do. gotta remember that. i know what's best for me. i want an adventure.

home sweet home

it's good to be home. today we did our family traditional thanksgiving dinner since i missed out on the real thing. my favorite meal of all time really. turkey with cranberry sauce, cornbread stuffing, "charlotte's salad", cauliflower with havarti cheese sauce, and my FAVORITE, sweet potatoes with plenty of marshmallows and brown sugar on top. yum yum yum. i was one happy girl at the end of that meal. my "diet" for the new year officially starts tomorrow in case you're wondering. i've got to have one good day to enjoy the holiday food without feeling guilty right? :) all of my new year's resolutions take full effect tomorrow. we also took family photos today, which i was not particularly fond of considering i'm still looking post season pasty and nasty hair, but oh well. i think they'll turn out alright.

my mom and i are learning how to knit. it's harder than it looks. but i'm going to keep trying, cause i think that's a really neat, productive hobby to have and keep up over the years. i'll keep you posted on how that goes.

it's good to be home. verrrry relaxing and not a care in the world right now. i'll admit, i'm going to get bored very soon i think, but my body is certainly enjoying the down time for right now. gym on monday for some pilates. i might start my physique 57 dvd workouts tomorrow. i don't want to lose my rockette body!

i really have nothing too exciting to say.... except enjoy the last of the holidays with the ones you love. enjoy the relaxation. when it's time to get back to work, get back to work refreshed and renewed. it's a new year. take full advantage of it. i completely intend to. tomorrow. :)

cheers to 2010

"You don't have to take life the way it comes to you. You can design your life to come to you the way you want it." -Dan Zadra

i'm going to design my life in 2010. i'm not going to just take it as it comes, i'm going to make things happen the way i want them to. it seems so many people are saying the year 2010 is going to be a great one, "the best yet" if you will. and at first when i heard this, i thought "why would this year be different than any other year before it?" and then right as that thought popped into my head, another, better one popped up too. "why not? why not make it the best year yet?" i have the power to make it the best. i have nothing holding me back. nothing tying me down. i really want to look back on this year and smile, not think "what a waste of time." i'm going to follow my heart, follow my gut instincts, follow my first reactions. i don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing, but i'm excited for my new adventures to come.

so i'm going to be fearless.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Live fearless. approach everything and every day with a fearless outlook.

2. Stay healthy. keep my body to it's fullest potential in every way.

3. Be kind. be patient, understanding, and easy going as much as possible with everyone.

That sums it up. that sums up how i want my year to play out. healthy, kind, and fearless. that's who i want to be. helloooooo 2010, i can't wait to get to know you.

cheers :)