cant zzzzz

i cannot sleep. i cannot turn my brain off. i think of a new scenario each and every minute it seems.

i want to be in love. i want to loved equally in return. is that too much to ask?

what makes me so sad is really truly thinking i was in love... and then realizing it was completely one sided. i want someone who would give me the world on a string if they had the ability to do so. i am the kind of person that when i truly, deeply care about someone and love them so dearly, i will do anything and everything for that person. i am constantly wondering how they are doing and what i can do to put a smile on their face, even if just for a second. i want someone who feels that way about me too. i really think there is someone like that out there for me. i believe it with all my heart. i don't necessarily want to be in love right NOW, or feel that love from someone else right NOW, but i do want that for myself. *sigh*

i'm sad right now. why are things not always as they seem? why do people have to lie? WHY? it really is not fair at all. lying is the most awful thing in the world i think. i hate liers. i hate that it will be hard for me to trust him ever again. i hate that it will be hard for me to trust anyone ever again. i hate that i already had a hard time trusting peope before this came along... why did he have to do this to me? i am not trying to have a pity party right now, i really am not. i just don't understand how someone can be so selfish and ignorant to feelings. to someone's feelings who cares more about you than anything really. and it is so obvious how much i care, and how much i love, and how much he means to me... but it was so easy to lie to me. so easy. so easy to kiss another girl. i told him not to do anything that would hurt me. and here i am... hurting. pathetic really. i hate him so much right now. it's so hard for me to fake a smile. but i'm doing it... i have to for a while longer. i want him to see the pain he's put me through. i want him to see me cry. i have yet to cry over this still though. but i know that the second he is in the room with me i will not be able to contain it any longer. if he comes clean i will be AMAZED. i am going to give him the chance to tell me the truth. and if he does, i will be absolutely astounded. but ya know what sucks even more? is the fact that i know him well enough to know that he will not come clean. he will deny it. he will act as if he has done nothing wrong. and what sucks still more is knowing that if i did not have the proof that i have, he would continue to keep it from me, to lie to me. it makes me sick thinking about it.

no wonder i can't sleep. *sigh*