my hands are shaking uncontrollably, but i can't even cry.
my worst fear... something i am so afraid of... something i have made excuse after excuse for in my mind... it's happened. i can't make any more excuses. i can't do this anymore. i wish i could say i never saw it coming. but that would be a lie. and why lie to myself when there's already plenty of lying to me going on. apparently that's the thing to do. lie to me. i cannot cry right now. i'm numb to it. it's like it hurts so deep, but all along in a small corner of my mind, i already knew it was coming. i expected it. how could i be so ignorant? in all honesty though, that's whats even worse about it. the fact that i wasn't ignorant. my gut feeling told me this was all happening. and i chose to be the "nice, trusting, care-free, understanding, cool girlfriend" that i thought i was supposed to be. i trusted him. i believed him. i feel so stupid right now. for someone who "doesn't show public affection" he certainly did just that... we don't even have photos like that of us together... i don't want this anymore... i never wanted this. ever. nobody ever wants this. nobody deserves this. i certainly don't....
i want to be with someone who can't stand to be away from me. especially on the holidays. and if we do have to be away from each other, he's faithful to me. and if for some reason he is not, he is still open and honest with me.
i don't want lies.
i don't want deceit.
i don't want cheating.
i don't want to cry.
i don't want to force it.
i don't want to question anything.
i don't want him.
that's it. i can't do it anymore. it has to end. i will never be able to fully trust him. ever. i already didn't trust him fully. it's not fair. but i know what i have to do. it's time to say goodbye to us. it's over. it has to be. i need to stand strong on my own 2 feet. and i don't deserve to cry over the one that's supposed to be my love, my support group.
i have to end it. but when? and how? :/ easier answers than actually doing that.
No comments:
Post a Comment